


Stronger (Rarl)

by AlexanderHamilton13



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderHamilton13/pseuds/AlexanderHamilton13
Summary: Maybe if he wasn't gay, his dad would love him, maybe he wouldn't hurt his mom or his brother... Maybe his dad would be alive right now. If Ron didn't die on season 6, episode 9, what would have happened?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning// Attempted suicide/anxiety/depression etc.

Ron’s P.O.V

 

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as I leaned against the table. With every breath my body shuddered, the weight of living has been too much. Since Rick and his group came along, my whole life has become a nightmare. The first time I met Carl, I was so excited. He was so nice and it would be great to have another person to hang out with around Alexandria, there’s only a few other people my age. 

 

I hate Carl, and I hate Rick. Though, I hate them for two completely different reasons. Rick Grimes killed my father. My dad never did anything to Rick or anyone else, I’m sure. Rick kills two people, and suddenly we’re supposed to respect him? My dad never hurt anyone, except us. He was a doctor, he’d never hurt someone other than us like that. No one has ever given me the details of what happened that night. Whenever I ask my mom, she sighs and says I don’t need to worry about it. 

“Ron, he hurt us. You don’t need to worry about him anymore! He was an abusive asshole and it doesn’t matter!” She’d say in a strict voice. How does she not care? I know he was abusive… but he was still my dad. Why won’t anyone tell me what happened? I’m sick of the lies, of the secrets. I’m sick of Rick, I’m sick of the voices inside my head echoing that I’m not good enough. Saying I’m the reason that dad hurt mom. I am, though. Maybe if i was a better son, he’d still be alive. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but to me it does. 

 

If I wasn’t such a wimp, he might love me. He wouldn’t have hurt mom or Sam. My dad has always hated me because he thought I was gay. I am gay, but I could never let him know that. I hate the sound of that, I hate admitting to myself that I like boys. I don’t know if my mom felt the same way my dad did about being gay. What I do know is that she’d stick up for me, which never ended well. 

 

This leads into a great segway as to why I hate Carl Grimes. Ever since I was little, the one extremely important rule has been “Stay inside the walls”. And what does Carl do? He goes outside the fucking walls. I’ve seen him, and I’ve seen Enid. I bet you he’s the one who got her to start going out there. He’s probably the reason she’s dead right now, but it isn’t like I care. 

 

Enid and I, we used to date, soon after I realized something, and it’d be selfish to keep leading her on after I knew who I was, no matter how disgusting I thought I was because of it. I mainly just dated Enid to prove to my dad that I was straight. I never really had any romantic or sexual attraction to Enid, but she kissed me and I kinda just went along with it. 

 

Now I know she’s a hoe. When I stopped running from who I was, I knew I had to break up with her. Ironically, that was the same day we met Carl. She instantly went after him, as if what just happened didn’t even matter to her. I should have known, though. I’ve been distant lately, so she tried to cheat on me with Mikey. Since his brother’s death, I’ve only had a real conversation with Mikey once, and that was when he told me the news of Enid trying to make advances on him. Even though I didn’t love her that way, and I was going to break up with her, It still hurt like hell. I thought that even though I wasn’t attracted to her romantically, we had a connection. Now I know we don’t. 

 

Everyone in Alexandria is pretty worried about Mikey, and mom and I stop by to bring him food once in awhile. We tried to get him to come out of his house, but he kept saying no. When we tried more forcefully, he screamed and threw a vase at us. 

 

Though I hate him, that Grimes boy sure is a work of art. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. He has such vibrant, beautiful blue eyes. I hate thinking about him that way, I hate it. But Carl really is charming. I can see that he’s falling for Enid. Fuck them, I don’t need anyone. I’m alone. 

 

Enid is probably dead, we’re all dead, aren’t we? I’m going to die, and so is everyone else in Alexandria. I’m a piece of shit just like my dad, and I should have never existed. In fact, I’m worse than my dad. Maybe if I wasn’t such a pathetic excuse for a human being, everything would be okay. 

 

I started counting everyone I know in my mind, they’re all going to die. My mom, my brother, Rick, Michonne, Denise, Aaron, and so many more. My mind was so busy going through everyone who is lost, that I didn’t notice the door open. 

 

“Hey…you alright man?” Carl asked, the door closing gently behind him. I was still too wrapped up in my own thoughts to fully answer the boy, so I let my thoughts slip from my mind to my mouth. 

 

“Enid’s dead” I mutter quietly “we’re all dead” I shuddered again, weakly trying to get myself to turn around but failing to do so. 

 

“Look, my dad is going to figure something out…” Carl says sympathetically. I can tell that he knows. He knows that I am a terrible person. He will never feel one ounce of love for me, and he’s only trying to talk to me out of pity… Or fear. 

 

It’s probably fear. I would be scared of me too… I’m scared of myself. I’m just like my dad, I’m a terrible person, and I shouldn’t exist. 

 

“He always does…” Carl says again. What? Oh, how does Rick always figure things out? By killing people? Ruining lives? Because that’s all I’ve seen him do. 

 

“That’s bullshit!” I spat, wiping my eyes and pushing myself off the table. I need to stop acting like such a wimpy, pathetic baby. 

 

“Your dad is just going to get more people killed, because that’s what he does… that’s who he is” I say, looking into his sky blue eyes, in that moment I felt emotionless.  
“Your dad is a killer…” I state again, looking down.

 

“So was yours” Carl muttered. 

 

“What?” I ask in surprise. That can’t be true… Dad only ever hurt us… 

 

“My dad killed Pete because he suddenly went nuts and killed Reg, Ron” 

 

I clenched my fist, but unclenched it. Letting the words sink in No one told me, no one told me. I assumed Rick killed Reg... Not.. Oh shit. I've been wrong, haven't I? No.. Rick is still a killer... But, was he just trying to protect us? Have I been so ignorant to the world around me? I wonder if people had tried to tell me this, or if I had even asked. Maybe I made it up in my head, asking my mom about dad. Maybe I’ve made myself think these things were true, yet they were only a part of my imagination.

“Ron, when my dad kills, it’s not for nothing. I’ve lost a parent too, I know how it feels. I killed my mom. I don’t know what you’re feeling, because everyone has their own emotions and deals with things differently, but I understand what it’s like to lose someone” 

 

I shuddered, and let myself sink to the floor. Every part of my body felt stiff yet shaky at the same time, my breath hitched and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to bring my legs to my chest and I wrapped my arms around them, my fingers fiddling with my pants. 

 

“Has no one told you what happened?” Carl asked, moving to sit next to me on the floor. 

 

“I… I don’t know… I think I’m going crazy..” I whisper, looking over at him. 

 

“It’s going to be okay Ron, I promise” Carl says, looking at me with his blue eyes. I say his eyes are blue, but not the ordinary sky blue, his eyes were blue like the sea, crystal clear blue, shimmering, crashing, and turning. Looking into his eyes you could hear the waves falling against the shore, see the foam flying into the air. His eyes were blue like the sky before the sun disappears, dark rich indigo, with specks of wild colors here and there. His eyes were blue like a warm sweater that you put on when it’s chilly outside, comfortable, warm, familiar. His eyes were that kind of blue.

 

I can’t lose those eyes, those eyes that make me feel safe and have since the first time I met Carl, but I will. I know he’ll die, because everyone dies. Everyone is going to die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, it’s completely and utterly inevitable. 

“We’re all dead Carl… Enid’s dead… My mom is, sam is… I am… You are...we’re all dead… Helpless“ I say, recounting everyone yet another time. 

“No, we’re not. Trust me, we’ve gotten through worse…” Carl says, putting his hand on my shoulder. The touch made my stomach flip over in a good way. 

 

“It’s okay to be upset or cry... Ron” He says again with a sigh. I let out a chuckle.

 

“I don’t cry” I said dryly. Carl moves in front of me. 

 

“The tears on your cheeks say different...” Carl says. He lifted my head and looked into my eyes, pulling up his hand to wipe my tears away with his shirt sleeve. No one has ever been this gentle with me. As a child, my mother held me when my father wasn’t around, but if she held me while he was it would end badly, he thought that I was weak. As I got older, my mom stopped sticking up for me, and I stuck up for her. My eyes welled up again, I looked down and let my fists grip my jeans, trying not to let the tears fall. Carl leaned closer and wrapped his arms around me, and I relaxed my muscles and collapsed on him. 

 

He embraced me tightly, and let me rest my head on him. He held me the way no one had, he was warm and safe, comfortable. I never knew what being at home felt like until this moment, I never knew what it felt like to feel safe, as if nothing could harm me. At ‘home’ was where I was scared, ‘home’ was where my father was, it was where I had to watch everything I said or did, where I couldn’t show that I was human. But that wasn’t home, and I see that now. Home, real home is this, being held and feeling safe. Everything about Carl made me feel safe, and for this split second, I felt like maybe everything would be okay. Everyone has been harsh, as if they expect me to get over things in a matter of hours and be completely fine, but Carl was different. 

 

Normally, I don’t cry in front of people. Crying was considered unmanly in my father’s eyes, but with Carl I let the tears flow naturally, like rain. Everything I’ve held inside is being let go, released. Carl runs his hands through my hair and keeps holding me tight. Eventually, I do stop crying and he wipes my tears again. 

 

“I’m here for you, Ron” Carl says as I pull away from his warm embrace.  
“I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m here for you” I smile at that, but we were interrupted by the sound of walkers coming near, I could see them out the window, too.  
“C-Carl…” I whisper. I seem unable to move as the mob gets closer to us.  
“Ron come on, we have to go” Carl whispers hastily, grabbing my hand. But I can’t move. The last time I had to deal with walkers, it was when the whole thing started, I was at school and I witnessed my best friend getting eaten by one. I ran as fast as I could home, and my parents were worriedly watching the news. We all stayed in the house until we heard about Alexandria on the radio, and we all went here. I’ve been here ever since. 

 

We’re all going to die, Carl is going to die, I’m going to die, mom is, Sam. Why do I want to keep living? Why am I living? I’m just dead weight. Everyone would be better without me… I reach in my back pocket and pull my gun out. I know what I have to do. 

 

“Ron?” Carl asks, looking at me. I take the gun and I slowly put it to my head, but before I could pull the trigger, Carl yells and tackles me, snatching the gun from my hand forcefully and putting it in his pocket. He holds my arms and looks me in the eyes. 

 

“Ron, we have to go, now” He says sternly.  
“Why?” I ask, looking at him weakly. “What’s the point, Carl? We’re going to die anyways…”  
“Ron! Stop saying that!!” He yells, shaking me. “We’re going to be fine”  
“Carl!! What’s going on down there?!” I hear Rick yell, as he runs down the stairs and opens the door. By now, the walkers are crowding the door, and the glass is starting to break.  
“Oh shit…” Rick says “Get out of here! Hurry!” he yells, and Carl hurries me out of the room. 

 

It all goes by in a blur, the walkers getting in, and trying to keep the doors shut. Carl left me at some point, and him and him, RIck and Gabriel came back with a couch to put against the door. I overheard Rick and Carl talking while pressing the couch against the door

 

"What happened in there?" He asks, panting. Carl looks at me, and frowns.  
"We were looking for tools" he says.

 

"We heard yelling" Mom says, in her worried mother tone.

 

"Yeah, Ron saw them break through the gates, we had to move"

 

"Carl it's-" I begin to speak to Carl, but my mom cuts me off.

 

"It sounded like you were fighting"

 

"We were fighting them!" I say, panting.

 

She can't know how I feel, I don't want her to worry. Especially now. It would be best if i just stay out of it. I shouldn't be involved in anything. They should leave me here to die while they leave, I'll be useless to them and probably get people killed.  
I turn around and walk to the living room. I approached the window, the moans of the walkers louder and ringing in my ears, looking out the window i saw the shadows of them. They're going to get in. And we're going to die.  
I heard the door close behind me as I look over to Carl, who was holding my gun.

 

"Listen I-" I start, trying to apologize for what happened. He shouldn't have to care about me.

 

"You don't need to explain" He interrupts me. "But you need to take a few breathes and sort yourself out, Ron" 

 

"Listen, I know that he was your dad, but he was an asshole. He hurt you, he hurt your mom and he killed someone" Carl says, putting the extra gun in his pocket.

 

"I'm just like him" I whisper "I'm a terrible person"

 

"You're nothing like your father, Ron" Carl says. "You're stronger than him"

 

“No I’m not” I sighed “You should stay away from me”  
“Ron I’m not some wimpy kid who can’t take care of myself” Carl said harshly

 

“I know” I whisper quietly.

 

“Do you know, Ron? I had to kill my own mother, Ron out there, there were days where I couldn’t eat at all. I’ve gone for weeks without proper sleep, clothes. You always have to watch your back because everyone is trying to kill you, and you always have to be ready to lose someone”

 

I sit there, quietly. It was selfish of me to be acting this way. These people have gone through so much more than I have. I didn’t know it was so bad out there, or why exactly we had to stay in the walls other than because of the walkers.

 

“Now that doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to feel what you feel” Carl says, to my surprise.  
I look up, confused “But-“ I start, before he quickly interrupts me

 

“No, I’ve seen the way people treat you. Like you have no idea, it’s true that you don’t, but they can’t blame it on you. You’ve been sheltered your whole life, you’re lucky. You lost your dad Ron, give yourself a break” 

 

Coming from him, it means a lot. I don’t believe him really, but I’m trying. Maybe I do deserve to feel what I feel, I don’t like my dad, but I loved him. Maybe I’m allowed to be upset. Maybe it’s okay, like Carl says.

 

“And when this is over, and if we can fix this walker problem, WHEN we fix this walker problem, you’ll have all the time in the world to mourn your loss, but right now we need your help” Carl says, handing me the gun. Is he really handing me the gun? How can someone trust me with weapons? Why does he trust me?

 

“A-Are you sure?” I ask, shakily.

 

“Take it. If something happens you’re going to need it” He says, putting it in my hand.

 

Something is going to happen, I’m going to need this gun. My heart beats fast in my chest as I realize anything could happen. In a second, any of us could be dead. That’s life now.


	2. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is pretty short, I'll try to make up for it with upcoming chapters. Trigger warning// More attempted suicide, anxiety/panic attacks, death.

Ron's POV

The hot, musty air made me feel disgusting enough, but now we’re putting bloody ponchos on our backs? This idea is not only insane, but also disgusting. My surroundings made me feel claustrophobic and restless, and my heart was beating so fast that I could barely catch the time to breathe. 

 

We’re all going to die… The simple sentence echoed in my head, not only did it echo, but as it did, it never stopped. As people take my hand and lead me out of the house, I still can’t make sense of it all. I just want everything to slow down so I can breathe, but it won’t. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I’m going to black out, my heart is hammering inside of my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its life. We’re all going to die… 

 

As we open the door and reach the porch, it’s like the fast pounding of my heart suddenly stops. There are walkers everywhere… we’re all going to die… They’re going to eat us… We’re going to die. The fierce hammering of my heart starts up again and I feel myself getting dizzy, but I was quickly snapped out of it by a soft and warm hand on mine, Carl had held my hand and gripped it tightly. I looked over at him and he gave me this reassuring look, as if telling me with his eyes that everything will be okay. 

 

For some odd reason, I trust Carl. A few hours ago, if you asked me how I felt about Carl, I’d say I hated him. I’d push off any feelings for him whatsoever other than hatred. I sighed, and let his fingers intertwine with mine. He felt warm, and I closed my eyes and let him lead me. I caught my breath, opening my eyes again, I saw that we had stopped. Gabriel was taking Judith with him, and I want to whisper to him to take Sam too… But the words won’t come out of my mouth in fear of being too loud and getting us all killed. Gabriel tried to get Sam to come with him, but Sam insisted that he was fine. As much as I wanted to tell my mom to make him go with Gabriel, I didn’t. I didn’t want him to throw a fit because of it, which would surely get us all killed. 

 

We kept walking, and this plan seemed to actually be working, the walkers didn’t even notice we were there, it was as if we were all completely invisible, Carl’s hand was in mine, and I think everything will be okay. In almost a split second, that feeling went away entirely. 

 

My heart was hammering again, and Sam had stopped. He was looking at something and not moving. No.. no no no…. I can’t lose him… I can’t lose my baby brother. My breaths were becoming short and difficult again, and everything was blurry and I felt dizzy. 

 

“Sam.. Come on” My mom whispered, trying to grab his hand and pull him. 

 

“You can do it, come on Sam” Rick whispered to him as well, trying to pull him out of the trance he was in. I can’t lose him. I can’t lose my baby brother.   
“Sam” I whisper “Hey, you can do this” My heart was about to explode. Please no. I can’t. He may be annoying sometimes, but him and mom are all I have. He’s my baby brother. I can’t, I can’t lose him. 

 

“Just look at mom” I whisper, trying to encourage him to do something, move, cooperate, please just do something. 

 

“Sam, come on you can do it” Mom whispered, still trying to pull him. 

 

“I don’t want to” Sam whined, almost too quiet to hear, fear in his voice. 

 

“I need you to be strong” Our mother said, trying to reassure him. My heart beat faster and faster, and everything was going dark, everything was dizzy and blurry as a walker came up behind my baby brother and… I looked away. I looked away. I couldn’t watch… The groaning of the walkers, Sammy crying and screaming, and my mother’s devastated cries echoed through my eyes. I could feel my heart breaking into one million pieces in the most slow torturing way, yet it was also something that went by so fast I could barely process it, as if there wasn’t enough time to feel my heart break, though it did anyways,

 

“Mom” I tried to say, but the words just wouldn’t come out. Mom… please… Carl was saying something. But it was happening so fast. I couldn’t make it out. I’m trying so hardly to move. To do something. Please no. Carl said one last thing that my mind couldn’t seem to pick up, and suddenly I snapped back to attention, as walkers grabbed my beloved mother and pulled her down, just like they did to Sam. In that moment, I felt everything disappear. I can’t. I’ve lost everything. Everything. My baby brother, mom. I can’t.

 

I pulled the gun from my pocket, and held it up to my head once more I stood, and held it up to my head, trying to pull the trigger, I went to open my eyes one last time, to see a walker behind Carl. I can’t let him die. I can’t let the only person I still care for die. I pulled the gun away from my head and pointed it at the walker. 

 

“CARL WATCH OUT” I managed to say, my voice cracking, as I shot the gun. I heard the loud bang of the gun, ringing in my ears for a second, my heart hammered in my chest and everything closed in around me, and then, everything went black. 

 

\---Carl’s POV--- 

 

I woke up to a sharp pain on the right side of my face, and reached my hand up to feel a scratchy bandage covering my right eye. I opened my eye, being greeted by a bright light. I heard someone come in and I quickly closed it again, pretending to sleep.   
The footsteps came closer, and I heard whoever it was sit in a chair next to the bed I was lying on.   
“Hey, Carl” A whisper said. Instantly I could tell it was Ron. “How’re you healing? I know you can’t respond. I’m sorry I’m late today, as usual. I just don’t want anyone to catch me and It’s easier when Denise and Tara are sleeping. I know they wouldn’t judge me, but it just feels like I can’t tell anyone how I feel. And since you’re not conscious, I guess it’s easier. I’m sorry Carl. I’m sorry I have such bad aim. This is all my fault and you might die because of me. Please don’t die. You’re all I have left.” I hear him cry, and rest his head on the bed, reaching his hand out to grasp mine. My heart beats faster in my chest, I know I can’t pretend to be sleeping forever, but what do I say? How long have I been unconscious?   
I slowly let my hand grasp Ron’s back, and I hear him sniff.   
“Carl?” He whispers, I sigh and slowly open my eye, adjusting to the bright light. Ron’s breath hitches. I look over at him and he had pulled his hands over his mouth. He looked so tired, with large circles under his tear stained eyes.   
“Hey…” I say, not really knowing what else to say.


	3. Chapter 3

**Carl’s POV**

 

“I should probably let Denise know that you woke up..” Ron whispered as he pointed to a sign placed by my bed. The sign was made out of cardboard, probably ripped off of a cardboard box. In large black lettering, it said ‘Tell me if he wakes up, even if I am asleep’. Ron gets up and turns away awkwardly, but before he gets too far I grab his hand. 

 

“Wait, Ron” I say. He looks back at me quizzically, he’s pretty cute when he’s confused. His cute babydoll lips stuck out in almost a pout. 

 

“Wha-” He goes to ask, before I interrupt him. 

 

“It isn’t your fault” I say, looking him in the eyes “don’t blame yourself”

 

“Y-You heard me?” He asked, his face getting about as red as a tomato. 

 

“Yeah..” 

“How much did you hear?” He looked down. 

 

“All of it” I said truthfully. I was still holding his hand, so I squeezed it tightly.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m okay” I said, giving him a reassuring smile. He smiled, but only for a second. 

 

“I really should go get Denise, will you be okay alone for a second?” He asked, concern echoing in his voice. 

 

“I’m fine, go” I say chuckling, as I lay my head back on the pillow.  Ron walked away, and I took the time to breathe and recount the night that I got shot. The last thing I remember was Ron yelling, a sharp pain in my eye, and then blacking out. Now here I am. I sighed, trying to rid the terrible headache I had had since I woke up.

 

**Denise’s POV**

 

I listened closely to the one way conversation below. Ever since the first night, Ron would sneak in at around four AM and just talk to Carl. He’d tell him about his day, how he felt, and then go home. Sometimes he’d be there for hours, sometimes only a few minutes. But every night he always made sure to be there. 

 

Most people in Alexandria have ignored Ron, Rick interrogated him, but that was about all the attention he got. He wasn’t staying in a new home, he just locked himself up in the old house he used to share with his family. I worry about this boy, so I started writing down what he was saying. He was obviously suffering from severe depression and ptsd, I used to be a psychiatrist and I think it would be good for him to have someone to talk to. I want to approach him, but I feel like he’d run away if I came down stairs, and I’m too awkward to just show up at his house. 

 

Ron was going through his whole “I’m sorry I shot you, I’m such a terrible person” part of his nightly routine. Poor kid. Just as Ron went silent, which I’ve assumed is him crying, I hear another voice. I stiffen, sneaking towards the stairs and listening closely. Carl had woken up. I tried to stop myself from running downstairs and checking on him, but I heard Ron say he was going to wake me up and I grabbed a book and pretended to be reading. 

 

**Ron’s POV**

 

I walked up the stairs anxiously, my cheeks still warm from what happened only moments before. Since Rick interrogated me,  I haven’t had a lot of contact with other people, scratch that,  _ no contact  _ with other people except for my nightly visits to Carl who has been unconscious. This made waking up Denise difficult for me, as my heart hammered in my chest whenever I had to talk to so someone. 

 

I peeked in, and thankfully, Denise was awake in the corner of the room reading a book. I don’t know if I should be relieved or scared, what if she heard me talking to Carl? At least I don’t have to wake her up. She looked up from her book and smiled at me, getting up. 

 

“Um… Carl’s awake…” I whispered, as Tara was sleeping in the bed in the corner of the room.  Denise quickly put her book down and got up. The few times I’ve seen Denise we haven’t talked, just had awkward eye contact. 

 

“How is-” Denise went to ask, but she was cut off by a loud snore emitted by Tara in the corner. Denise chuckled a little at that, but snapped back to attention quickly. 

 

“How is he?” She whispered quietly. 

 

“He seems o-okay…” I manage to say, my cheeks still hot. 

 

Denise walks down the stairs, and I follow behind her slowly. Carl sat up in his bed upon seeing Denise and smiled a little. He’s so beautiful, even with the large bandage covering a good quarter of his face. I walk to the side of Carl’s bed, sitting in the chair beside him. Denise was checking on Carl’s heartbeat, and asking him standard questions on how he felt. 

 

This is all my fault, it’s my fault that he lost his eye. It’s all my fault. I’m just happy he’s okay, I’ll never let anything happen to him again, even if it means me getting hurt in the process. I cover my face with my hands and try to take deep breaths, but it’s hard to breathe. I want to disappear, but I need to stay for Carl. 

 

“Hey, Ron?” I was snapped back to reality and I looked up at Denise, her face was full of concern.    
  
“You should go home and get some sleep, kid” She said, giving me a small smile. I blinked, trying to process her words. I can’t sleep… I can’t go home… Carl needs me. 

  
“I-I can’t…. I have to stay here for Carl, It’s my fault I need to help” 

  
“Really there’s nothing much to do other than to show him how to change his bandage, really Ron, it’s okay” She said, looking me in the eyes. 

 

“No… I have to stay” I say weakly. She can’t make me leave, I need to be here for Carl, I need to make sure he’s okay. Suddenly Carl’s voice was echoing through my ears. 

 

“Ron, as soon as I change my bandage I’m going to sleep, I’d sleep a little better If I knew you were sleeping too….” I sighed, now I can’t stay because Carl needs to get sleep. I guess they’re right, It wouldn’t do me any good to stay. I still hesitated, I want to be there for him. 

 

“Please, for me?” Carls asks, reaching over and squeezing my hand. The contact gives me butterflies and I look up at his face. 

  
“Are you sure?” I ask one last time, looking him in his striking blue eye. 

 

“Positive” He replies, giving me a small smile. 

 

**Carl’s POV**

 

“I lied” I said when Denise finished replacing my bandage. 

 

“What?” She replied, removing her gloves and sitting in the chair next to my bed. 

 

“I lied about telling Ron I was tired, I just wanted him to get some sleep. To be honest, I don’t think I could sleep even if I tried” I said truthfully. 

  
“Oh, well you can’t fool me that easy, kid” she smiled at me. 

 

“You should sleep though, I’m fine” 

 

“No, I’m staying up with you ‘til you either go home or get tired” 

  
I sighed, and nodded my head. 

 

“Anyways, how are you feeling?” She asks. 

“I have a bit of a headache and it’s sore… but I”m fine. It’s not the first time I’ve had an injury like this” 

 

“And emotionally?” She asked. This caught me by surprise, no one really ever asks me how I’m feeling emotionally. 

 

“I’m okay” I reply “I’ve gotten through a lot worse. It isn’t the first time I’ve gotten through an injury like this, and it’s definitely not the first time I’ve seen someone die” 

 

“You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?” She asks.

  
“Yeah, I guess. Haven’t we all though?” 

 

“Yeah” She replies and looks down. I know that look, I can see right through her. 

  
“Who’d you lose?” I ask. She looked up at me

 

“My brother” She pulls out a keychain from her pocket, in large lettering it said “DENNIS”    
  


“My mom” I said, looking down at my lap. “What happened to him?”

  
“He was shot” She sighed, looking down at the keychain. 

 

“I had to kill my mom” I said. She looked up at me, “I had to” 

 

“Carl,  we all know that death is a big part of life now. But death gives meaning to our existence. It’s there to remind us just how precious life is. In this world, you need to do what you need to do to survive, and to keep your family safe” She responded. I looked down, thinking about what she said. Maybe she was right. Since my mom died, It made me realise I need to appreciate what I have while I have it. 

 

“You’re right… I’m okay though. To be honest, I’d be more worried about Ron if I were you” I said. Ron is so sweet, I just want him to be okay. 

 

“Yeah, I’ve been considering talking to him for awhile now” She said. I nodded, thinking about how it felt to hold him when he was crying. I want to make him feel better, I don’t like to see him hurt. 

 

“Carl, It’s funny. Mostly when I talk to people my anxiety is off the charts, but with you it’s not that bad, it’s like you understand” 

 

Denise and I continued talking throughout the night, about various things. We talked about everything. Something about her felt like family, like she was like an older sister or aunt. Before I knew it, the sun was peeking through the windows. I still wasn’t tired, though. The sound of someone coming down the stairs made me turn my head. Tara came into the room, dressed in a baggy t-shirt and pajama pants. She rubbed her eyes and looked around, letting her eyes rest on me. 

 

“Hey, look who’s awake!” She smiled brightly at me.

 

“Hey” I said as she came over to Denise and gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

 

“Good morning” Denise said, smiling. Tara smiled back at her.

 

“How are you feeling?” Tara asked. 

 

“I’m okay” I said, giving her a smile. 

 

“So, um, are you two dating?” I asked, looking at the two. Denise twiddled her thumbs awkwardly. 

 

“Yep” said Tara, giving Denise another kiss on the cheek while Denise blushed and smiled. I smiled, it’s nice seeing them happy like that. Finding love like that within all the chaos of this world we live in is a magical thing, though it never lasts long. 

 

“I don’t mind, by the way” I said, looking down at my hands.    
  
“Mind what?” She asked, sitting on the chair next to her girlfriend.    
  
“I mean um… people can be yknow.. Rude about it sometimes” I said, stuttering. I assumed she would have known that not a lot of people considered people like us to be normal. Even I had to deal with it back at the prison. Tara gave me a funny look and I sighed. 

 

“You’re gay aren’t you” Tara said bluntly, looking me in the eyes. Denise started laughing awkwardly.

  
“Sorry” Denise said, calming down her giggles. I started laughing too, looking down at my hands and then back up to Tara. 

  
“Yeah, I’m gay” I said. Tara winked at me and got up almost restlessly. 

 

“Do you want some breakfast? I’m gonna head to the kitchen and get some food in a little bit” Tara asked. 

  
“Oh… sure if it’s not too  much work” I said. 

  
“I should probably tell your dad that you’re awake” Denise said, looking at the clock in the corner of the room. I sit up a little more in my seat and move my legs to get out of bed. 

  
“Woah woah woah” Denise says, bolting up in her seat “Take it easy bucko” I chuckled at Denise rushing to help me. 

 

“It’s okay, I lost my eye, not my legs” I said, pushing myself off the bed. I got a little dizzy and held the wall for support. 

 

“Yeah but you’ve been out for like a week” she said, using her arm to help me stand up straight I sighed. She had a point. Denise walked me around until I could stand and walk on my own. I walked outside, letting the warm sun fall on my face. 

 

I took a deep breath and looked around. Before I knew it a small body was tackling me, and I felt a warm lips on mine. I pulled away, looking to see Enid, smiling. Her hair was messy and covering her face just a little. 

 

“E-Enid” I said, looking at the girl. I can’t believe she kissed me. 

 

“Carl” She said with a smirk. 

  
“Y-you’re okay!” I said, giving her a small hug. I was worried about her, but at least she’s okay. Though I was happy she was alive and well, I still couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. I grabbed her hand uncomfortably and walked her behind a house where no one could see them. 

 

“Enid… I’m so happy you’re okay.. But what was that kiss about?” I asked, looking her in the eyes. 

 

“Well, we’re dating… aren’t we?” she asked. This took me by surprise, I don’t remember ever having a romantic relationship with her,  _ ever.  _

 

“Remember, all that flirting! Carl friends don’t flirt with each other” Enid says. I don’t know where she picked all this up, I don’t even remember flirting with the girl.    
  
“Enid, you’re great but I don’t… I don’t like you that way” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. She jerked away and pushed me down, storming off in the other direction. 

  
“W-wait!” I yelled after her, getting off the ground. 

 

**Ron’s POV**

 

“Useless!” He yelled, pushing me down. I flinched, looking up at my father, hatred and fear coursing through my veins. 

 

“How could you just stand there and watch us die?” I looked over to my right, and my brother was stood there.

  
“Your brother is right, Ron. You’re not strong, you’re weak” 

 

“You could have done something Ron! You could have told someone he was hurting us, but you didn’t! You could have stood up for us Ron” My mom yelled. I stood up, backing away. I ran into the hallway and Carl was standing there. 

  
“How could I ever love someone like you?” He asked, looking at me with hatred “You’re a terrible person Ron, even if I was gay I could never love you! You’re unlovable” 

  
I bolted up in my bed, sweat dripping down my face and my heart beating fast. I shook my head, my breath slowing down.  _ It was just a dream _ . I collapsed back in my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I sighed, letting my breathing regulate. I sat up and looked to the window, eyes squinting from the light. I pushed myself off the bed and walked over to the window.

 

It was a fairly nice day, the sky was blue and everyone was already up. People were still fixing the wall and cleaning up the town. I wanted to help, but I know no one would really want me there. Rick doesn’t trust me, he made that very clear when I woke up in a cold, locked room handcuffed to a chair. 

 

I shivered and squinted, face lighting up to see Carl on his feet. I smiled softly for the second time. I spent a lot of time looking out this window. It was my source of entertainment other than video games and comics, which can get kinda boring after awhile. The only times I went out of the house was for food or to see Carl, and I only went to see Carl at night. I had to go to the pantry during the day because I had to be let in. I saw Olivia a few times because she’s the manager of the pantry. Though, we never talked. No one wanted to talk to me. I mean, why would they? I’m not exactly the best person in Alexandria. I’m far from it, actually.  

  
I look at Carl lovingly, he was wearing his blue flannel. I’ve always thought that one looked the best on him. I sighed, recalling the night that he comforted me. My sexuality is something that I have hidden from for so long, but when he held me it felt like it was no longer something that I wanted to hide. I realized then that I didn’t want to be straight, I wanted to be with Carl. 

 

My focus was fixated on Carl, so it came as a shock to me when Enid came into view. To my surprise, Enid wrapped her arms around Carl and kissed him passionately. The sight made my stomach queasy and my heart shatter. Carl hugged her and grabbed her hand, leading her behind a house. I weakly closed the curtains, slowly letting myself sink to the floor. 

 

My heart shuddered in agony. Why did it hurt so bad? Why did I,  _ Ron Anderson,  _ the boy who shot him think that I had a chance at all? Why did I think that he was even close to being gay? Of course he’s not gay. Of course he’s with Enid. Out of everything I have been through, nothing has made me cry the way that this has. I stood up unsteadily, using my desk for support. The heaviness in my heart made me want to sink back down to the floor and die. I shakily walked to the bathroom. I tried to breathe but it was difficult, my breaths were coming out deep and and shaky. 

 

I grabbed the handle to the bathroom door sloppily, opening it and stumbling into the shower. Hot showers helped with everything. The water was warm against my skin, and it was hard to tell the difference between water and tears. After some time, my head started pounding. My eyes felt tired, but at least I had better control over my body. I sighed, rubbing my eyes and standing up to rinse off my body. I relaxed, letting the hot water roll across my body. 

 

**Enid’s POV**

 

I sat by an oak tree, tears streaming down my face. What is it that makes me so unlovable? Why am I always alone? That’s how it is in my life, I think I have people who care about me, but in reality, they couldn’t care less. In the end I will always end up alone, no matter what I do. When my parents died, I didn’t know what to do. I survived, but I was lonely. When I got to alexandria Ron made me feel good for awhile, but after Carl got here I realised that I could have a better relationship with him. Ron was funny and kind, but he never  _ truly  _ understood what it was like out there, and I could tell he never truly loved me.  Carl on the other hand, had seen it all. I knew then that I wanted him, but I couldn’t make it too clear. I can’t believe he doesn’t love me, what was all the flirting and eye contact for? Boys are so stupid. Carl was the only one that I thought could truly love me, he made me feel safe. He knew how to protect me. 

 

“I’m nothing now” I sob, burying my face into my hands. I kept crying that way until I heard footsteps approaching me. I looked up to see Maggie. She sat next to me and tucked her hair behind her ear.    
  
“I heard what happened” She said, looking at me. I sighed, first Carl breaks my heart, and to top it off someone knows. I looked down in embarrassment. 

 

“Sweetie” She said, putting her hand on my shoulder “People in life come and go, I know it might seem hopeless now but you have to be focused on other things. Boy problems are silly in a time like this” 

  
“No, It’s not just that, Maggie. I don’t have anything left, everything is gone. I lost my parents, now Carl” I said, looking up at her. 

 

“I’m sorry about your parents, dear. If it makes you feel any better, you have me” She said, smiling. “Besides, I think Carl is gay” 


End file.
